


What He Did

by quicksilver (quicksilvermalec)



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec deserves it, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Isabelle Lightwood, BAMF Jace Lightwood, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jace and Izzy just want their brother to be happy, Jace and Izzy love Alec so much, Mentions of past abuse, Pre-Canon, Pre-Malec, Pre-Slash, Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Jace Lightwood, Real Life stuff, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Lightwood, You probably shouldn't read this, enjoy, it's not interesting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 17:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilver
Summary: Starting is always the hardest part. When you start, you have to open the conversation from one of the many, many thoughts and feelings floating around in your peripheral vision. Once the conversation has been started, you can guide it to points B, C, and D, but point A is like writing – taking words and creating something out of nothing.***Alec confesses to Jace and Izzy something he's been reckoning with all alone for weeks. They help him. They always help him.T for language.





	What He Did

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writingisntapastime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingisntapastime/gifts).



> This takes place before the events of 'City of Bones'. For the sake of this oneshot, Alec had one relationship before Magnus (although it wasn't a very representative sample of what relationships are like), and he devoted way too much of himself to it, and it ended really badly.
> 
> This is therapeutic for me, so even though the concept is probably uninteresting to you, I'm writing/posting this because I need to put these feelings out into the world. If you give a fuck about what that means, I'll explain in the end notes.
> 
> This is for Dee, because she's always supported me.

The mission had been decidedly a success, and Jace, Alec, and Izzy were on their way back to the Institute, walking unhurriedly along the paved roads of New York City.

Alec was staring at the ground, not making eye contact with his siblings as they chatted idly about absolutely nothing. He was just kicking at small pebbles on the sidewalk, shooting them a few feet forward, and then kicking them again a couple seconds later.

Jace, however, stopped midsentence to look at him.

“Alec, are you okay? You seem… subdued.”

“I’m… I’m okay,” Alec told him unconvincingly, not making eye contact. Jace sighed.

“Alec, you’re not okay. Don’t lie to me. I can feel it in our bond.” He tapped his hip with one finger.

Alec sighed. “You of all people know it’s a reflex,” he retorted heatlessly.

Izzy put a hand on his shoulder. “I know, Alec. But please, be honest with us. We’re here for you, we want to help you. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, but please just remember that we’re here for you and we love you.”

Alec nodded, watching in mild fascination as his vision blurred with boiling tears. He slid his hand down Izzy’s forearm and wrist and interlocked his fingers with hers. They walked in silence for a moment as Alec’s tears got worse and worse.

After about a minute, Jace asked timidly, “so, do you not want to talk about it?”

Alec dipped his head. “No, I do, I just-” he wiped at his eyes with a sleeve. “Need a second.”

Izzy nodded, and Alec took a deep breath before he spoke.

Starting is always the hardest part. When you start, you have to open the conversation from one of the many, many thoughts and feelings floating around in your peripheral vision. Once the conversation has been started, you can guide it to points B, C, and D, but point A is like writing – taking words and creating something out of nothing.

So Alec was at a loss for a moment as to what to say, stalling as much as he could to create a coherent thought, but his mind kept stripping everything down to one base element, kept going back to one thought, so he said that.

“I just feel so much… guilt,” he admitted.

Jace and Izzy both looked surprised by that. “Why?” Jace asked.

“I feel like for these past several weeks, ever since Noah broke up with me, I’ve been making so many things about myself, and my own struggles, and the way he affected me. I just… so many things make me think of him and what he did to me, and I just can’t- I can’t process it. And he’s… _fine_. And I’m suffering. He moves on with his life, and I’m stuck where I’ve been these past couple of months, just reliving that trauma.”

Izzy squeezed his hand tighter. “Alec, you didn’t deserve that. He destroyed you, cruelly and heartlessly, and it was so unfair of him. And I’ve never once thought you were being selfish – you’ve been sitting with me and helping me work through my own issues. You aren’t making this about yourself at all.”

Alec’s face was shining now, glistening tear tracks tracing delicate paths down his cheeks. He stared straight ahead.

“And the worst thing about the emotional abuse is that I didn’t even realize that it was happening. Physical abuse is easy enough to detect, but emotional abuse flies under the radar. Emotional abuse is just a lot of manipulation and invalidation and avoidance. And every time he did something that made me angry, or… or sad, I would tell myself that he’s human and he’s not perfect, but that he’s an inherently good person and that I loved him, and I forced myself to stay in that relationship because I was afraid of what would happen if I left, and I let _him_ be the one who ended the relationship. I never stood up for myself or protected my own mental health against him.”

Jace stopped walking, gripping Alec’s elbow and looking him straight in the eyes with a protective intensity Alec hadn’t known he had in him.

“Alec,” he said sincerely, “what he did to you is something no one should ever have to go through. We love you so much, and we’re here for you, whatever you need.”

Alec gulped. “I just need you to love me. To stay, to keep me alive, although you guys are pretty good at that.”

Izzy looked up at him sympathetically, then hugged him gently. Jace joined, and they stood there for a long moment, just holding each other.

Alec was all but sobbing at that point. “I love you guys,” he whispered, sounding as if he was choking. “By the Angel, I’m sorry for putting you through this.”

Izzy pulled back to smack his bicep. “You’re not putting us through anything, dumbass! You are setting aside everything you are thinking and feeling to support us, to make sure that we’re okay, always putting everyone else above yourself. We _want_ to support you, Alec. We want to repay you for never abandoning us when we need you, even if you need us, too. You are never a burden, and it is never a problem when you want to tell us things.”

“He- he said the same thing, once. He told me, ‘I love you and I want to make you happy, so if you need, you can unload some of your burden onto me.’ But then when I tried, the next time I felt really shitty, he shouted at me for it and told me I should’ve been able to see that he was struggling with his own mental health and didn’t have the emotional capacity to carry my problems, too.”

Izzy looked awed, fascinated, and disgusted all at once. “How in the fuck…”

Jace glanced at her and finished her question. “How in the fuck did you – kind, generous, selfless Alec Lightwood – get lumped in with someone like Noah who would take advantage of all your best qualities? He just kept taking and taking and never giving you anything back, never helping you, never seeing you, never validating you. You’re so good, and he’s a manipulative, emotionally abusive piece of shit. You’re better off without him.”

Alec smiled at him, then pulled both of his siblings back into his body and cried into their hair some more.

**Author's Note:**

> So here comes the hard stuff.
> 
> This is based on a real conversation that I had today with a close friend. In this situation, Jace and Izzy are my friend and I'm Alec, and the OC is my abusive ex-girlfriend.
> 
> No, she wasn't physically abusive, but she was emotionally abusive, and it really took its toll on me. She was so toxic and horrible for me and she managed to convince me that _I_ was the one who was toxic and hurting _her_. I just recently got out of that relationship with her and for these past several weeks I've been struggling a lot with the effects of her abuse and the fact that I didn't recognize it or correct it in any way, and that it took me that long to get her out of my life.
> 
> Almost all of Alec's dialogue in this fic is lifted verbatim from the conversation I had with my friend today. Slightly more of my friend's words were altered, but they're still mostly faithful to what she said.
> 
> This is really hard for me to admit. But all the dialogue and all the prose is my genuine, honest feelings about this situation, and I needed them to go somewhere. Thanks for being substitute therapists for me, guys.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this little piece of garbage.
> 
> Love,  
> -Sil


End file.
